One of my online acquaintances posted a new chapter for her story today.
I haven't read it yet, but the rest of her work is amazing, and I'm watching her reach out to all of these people on tumblr who love her story and I'm feeling so very, very low, that this story that I've worked on for nearly four years only gets four or five reviews a chapter and there is no fanfare and no one leaps up rejoicing when I post something new.
I'm tired of working on old, tired things that don't bring me any joy and don't seem to bring anyone else much of any joy, either.
I have a green-eyed monster rumbling in my chest, and I don't like it.
I wanted to go outside to shovel my driveway and take my mind off of things, but the driveway's not even covered, really, and the snow is slushy and wet and doesn't shovel well, and it didn't help much take my mind off of anything.
I want fanfare for something in my life. I want to be good at something -- I mean, really good at something -- and get more than a pat on the head for it.
I want to stop feeling useless and stuck and move forward with something.
I want someone to care.
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I found that volunteering to help people who have less than I have, made a HUGE difference in my life. Doing so allowed me to reap great joy without anyone else (other than myself) having to say or give me any kudos for my efforts. Giving freely of myself was a surprisingly wonderful gift that continues to give me deep long-term happiness.
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